Where do I even start?
I guess I’ll start by saying that I am full.
I am so grateful that You see me. This weekend, I went to that IF conference for women, and You showed up, and You spoke to me in so many different ways. I think that’s really amazing. I feel so overwhelmed at everything I am processing from the past few days, even past week.
Last week started out pretty rough when I received news that tore me apart. I fell apart, Lord. Truth is, before this conference, I had a million things on my back that I wasn’t letting go. I wasn’t even aware that that was what I was doing. But now, because of Your perfect chastisement and encouragement, I think I am ready to process all that You have revealed to me.
Where do I even start?
I guess it all really hit me like a giant wave when that woman speaker, Lauren, talked about the woman at the well with her jar.
That woman, in a sense, is me. And You knew that.
I have so many filthy things in my jar, Lord. Many of these things in my jar I didn’t even know about, but You have revealed to me what’s inside.
Resentment. I have resentment and unforgiveness in my jar. I have resentment towards people who have done things to me that robbed me of my innocence, which has resulted in great roots of unforgiveness. And I think that turns into resentment towards You. I don’t want You to forgive them like You have forgiven me. I have resentment towards my married sisters, for I feel that I am not enough to fit in with their seasons. I look at their beautifully, watered grass and I want it; I covet it. I want what they have, and because I don’t, my own grass, my own seasons of life, suffer severely. I have wallowed in my stubbornness in trying to take control of my future. I grasp it, and I don’t consult You because I am afraid to hear “no.”
Hurt. I have so much hurt and so many wounds in my jar, Lord. I carry so many broken pieces of my past into my present. Wounds from abuse, wounds from heartbreaks, wounds from anger, wounds from depression and anxiety. Although I know that it is a process, and that You mend all things, I have neglected to fully give all the hurt up. I don’t completely, fully trust You in the way that I could, which results in being fearful of my future. So often, I doubt Your sovereignty and power. I do things for You, instead of with You. And in doing that, I fail to believe that You, Jesus, are my enough.
Regret. I believe about half of my jar is full of shame and guilt. They haunt me. They taunt me. All my dirty mistakes, whether it be to do with drugs, sex, alcohol, filthy language, losing my temper, my rebellious nature in general; it kicks my butt daily. It makes me feel so dirty, even though I know that You make all things new. Although I don’t regret a lot of it because I feel that it shows Your grace and mercy that much more to me personally, I can’t help but hate all that I have done and continue to struggle with.
As Lauren talked about the woman leaving her jar at the well, I lost it. You were moving. Everything came to the surface. As I closed my eyes, I saw You. I had my jar in my grip, with everything inside; resentment, bitterness, brokenness, regrets, hurt, wounds, anger, confusion, depression, anxiety, sin. All of it was inside of that thing. I held it tightly. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, seeing You there and me holding this jar. Of course I didn’t want You to see what’s inside; I’m dirty. I have continually pulled things out of my jar, hoping this time it will satisfy. Sometimes, I pull something out to relieve the pressure, romancing the idea of maybe one day giving it up for good; but I put it back in, believing that I could never do such a thing.
“‘No,’ said Peter, ‘you shall never wash my feet.’
Jesus answered, ‘Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.'” – John 13:8
And You know what broke me even more? I saw You reach for my hand. I saw You smile at me. I felt Your presence. And I heard You, so clearly.
“I am right here with you. Give me your jar; give me your foot to wash. Let me wash it; don’t hold back because of your pride and shame. I see you. Nothing can separate you from My love; not even your jar.”
As I slowly set my jar down, suddenly realizing that You see completely through me like a glass house, You took my jar willingly.
You caught me as I fell to the ground, released from the weight. You wrapped Yourself around me so tenderly. You lifted up my weary, tear-filled face, and You spoke to me again;
“Why is my beautiful daughter crying? This is part of the journey. Rejoice; for I have set you free from this burden!”
And that is just what I am doing.
Abba, You amaze me. A thousand praises is not enough for what You have done, and for what You continue to do for me. You have renewed and refreshed my spirit with Yours. You have reminded me that You are my first love. You have reminded me of the first time You revealed Yourself to me; one year and four months ago. You have reminded me of how much You have watered me, and how You continue to do that. Jesus, You have reminded and refreshed me of the most beautifully tragic event to ever happen in history; when You took the world’s giant, filthy, ugly jar upon Yourself and washed it in Your pure, spotless blood.
Lord, You have made me at peace in my situations and circumstances. In fact, You have made me rejoice in my heart. You have truly restored my strength with Yours. You have fallen afresh on me. You have chastised me, but no condemnation was present. Jesus, Your love truly astounds and overwhelms me.
At the end of the conference, You revealed to me what You want me to work on. You told me You want me to rest; rest in Your control. You told me that You want me to surrender; surrender every step into the future, whether big or small decisions, You want me to come to You. You told me to trust; trust in the unknown places because although I may be unknown to me, they are fully known to You.
You are an amazing Father. Thank you, Abba, for Your incredible peace, mercy, grace, love, patience, tenderness. Thank you for listening to my heart’s deepest cries and my ordinary thoughts. Thank you for always being with me in the midst of trials, temptations, hardships, persecutions. And although this life is full of trouble and calamity, sadness and fear, death and destruction, I am not a slave to any of it. You have made me full and satisfied with Your goodness.
I am Your servant, Your vessel. Use me in the way You have planned. Anything You want me to do, I will do it. Anything You want me to give up, I will. Guide my footsteps along the path You have laid out for me.
I rest in You.
I surrender to You.
I trust in You.
Just direct me where to start.
“Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'” – John 4:13