Weak

I am so weak.
These past couple of weeks have been the hardest, but it has humbled me in the fact that it showed just how weak I really am.

I broke down, hard. Yet again, I cried out in desperation and in fear to The Lord. The reality of the very real dangers that surround me during the elections had gotten to me. I FaceTimed with my parents the night of election day. Although I had planned to keep my cool in order to keep them from worrying about me any more, I lost it anyway. I cried to them about my fears, my anxieties, my frustrations, my conflictions. When it came down to it, I wanted to go home, for I feared for my safety.
But the final decision to leave hasn’t settled well with me. I can’t do it.

I don’t feel that my work is done yet, it’s not finished. Would I be a failure if I were to fly home, considering I would be cutting my service short?
If the real reason is safety, then that reason is excused, right? But if I were to fly home because I don’t feel safe, does that mean I have little faith because I don’t trust in my God’s protection?

These conflictions have been swirling through my head all week, two weeks. But when I woke up yesterday, the day of the election results, the most anticipated, scariest day to come; I was peaceful. And that confused me. Although I was ecstatic to be at peace on the dreaded day, I couldn’t figure out why.

As I sit outside today on the cool, veranda, drinking ginger tea in hopes of soothing my ill body, The Lord has granted me the reason why.

“Three different times I begged The Lord to take it away. Each time He said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

I cannot tell you how many times I have read this passage, for it is far too many. Each time, I have felt comforted. It wasn’t until now, however, that I felt a true, deep connection with it.

Throughout my Christian walk, which hasn’t been for very long, I have begged and pleaded that God take away struggles and hardships I suffer. Throughout the past couple of weeks, it has been extensive asking, begging, pleading that He take away my cravings to get high, to take away my fear, to take away my proneness to worry and doubt, take away, take away, take away. Needless to say, it’s been many times.

“‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.'”

Oh, it so does.

Election time, sleep issues, withdrawals and cravings, physical illness, condemnation. They all drive me to the point where I am crying in the fetal position, begging God to take the pain away.
I am weak.
And in doing so, it has accented how weak I really am, but also how much I need His strength.
I need Thee every hour.
And His power works best in these moments. He is lifted up the moment I drop to my knees and realize that I have no power in my situation, any situation. There is no room for pride. In saying that, shouldn’t we do this everyday, not just the moments we realize we ran ourselves into the ground? Isn’t this what true surrender means? To abandon ourselves, recognize our weakness, and give Him full control?

Most find guilt, shame, embarrassment to admit their weaknesses, for it shows our mistakes, our mere human tendencies. But if admitting all of that means exalting my merciful Father, than I am more than happy to exploit my weakness at the cost of my human pride and vulnerability. If going to His throne and crying out to Him that I cannot do this anymore means that He will carry me, I am more than willing to cry out to Him more often than not.

“That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I am so weak. I have broken down in my weakness a ridiculous amount of times this week. But it is to The One who understands my heart.
I am so deeply encouraged by Paul in this passage. I can grasp it, relate to it, be encouraged by knowing that I am not alone. Everything I am going through, presently and in the future, I choose to be joyful through it; for I am suffering while serving for Christ. Christ’s name is worthy to be suffered for.
My hardships, persecutions, struggles, insults won’t disappear the moment I surrender them. It simply means that I am willing to go through what I am with Christ by my side, and let Him take full control. In my weakness, He makes me stronger. He fills me, renews me, comforts me, walks with me, rejoices with me, cries with me.

I truly lost sight of this all week. But I refuse to lose sight of this any longer.

On Saturday evening, Museveni was announced to stay in office as president. Quickly, the tension was released. Although this is a huge  victory and an answer to prayer, it’s not over yet. Riots have been persistent since the announcement. I am still on lockdown for the next few days, as it is too violent and aggressive to go outside these concrete walls that surround the house and yard. Although it is tense, it is hard, it is uncomfortable, I will choose to look at this week different from last week. I will not stay trapped in my weakness, but I will rejoice for I know Who is stronger. I will give the highest praise because I know Who is protecting me. I will keep on daily surrendering and offer thanksgiving no matter my circumstance for I know Who is listening to my cries and requests. I may fall apart at the seams, but I know Who mends me back together.

I am weak but Thou art strong . . . I’ll be satisfied as long as I walk, Dear Lord, close to Thee.

His grace is more than enough. His power works best in my weakness.
Work away, Father.

“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to You and not be silent, O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever!” – Psalm 30:11-12

“This High Priest of ours understands our weakness, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin.” – Hebrews 4:14-15

“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.” – Psalm 73:26

“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young mean will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in The Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:29-31

“Let the weak say, ‘I am strong.'” – Joel 3:10

 

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